


Participation Medals of the Heart

by Wofflekins



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Drunk Sex, Heartbreak, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, RIP me, Shit, Unrequited Love, YOLO, oh yeah this is pm john's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:36:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9644654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wofflekins/pseuds/Wofflekins
Summary: John Laurens wasn’t blind.John Laurens wasn’t deaf.John Laurens wasn’t his.But damn did he wish he was all of the above.or the one where John is in love with Lafayette but Lafayette kinda has a thing with Alexander





	

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: 8. Ah, unrequited love. When your best isn’t enough. (Participation medals of the heart.)
> 
> found [here](http://sleepy-skittles.tumblr.com/post/155287327552/50-a-softer-world-prompts)

John Laurens wasn’t blind.

 

John Laurens wasn’t deaf.

 

John Laurens wasn’t his.

 

But damn did he wish he was all of the above.

 

Fighting in a war and getting close to who you fought beside was natural. When John had met Alexander and Lafayette, their bond together grew quick. The three learned more about each other than any other soldier alongside them. John and Lafayette each learned more of how Alexander had gotten to America, Alexander and John had listened intently and helped when Lafayette had trouble knowing what to say in English, and Lafayette had stared at John ever-so-intently when John expressed his passion to fight against oppressors and help the slaves. They listened openly to each other and with acceptance. They were friends, soldiers, comrades. But a simple yet earnest stare from Lafayette and John was hooked — his gaze met Laf’s and he knew he was done for.

If John had known what those eyes would do to him he would have never looked Lafayette in the eye.

 

Everything was subtle. If John had been anyone else he would have never noticed it — never noticed the sly smiles or hint of fingers touching when they were alone. If he didn’t watch Gilbert – _Gilbert_ – with such longing, he would have never noticed the stealthy movements of affection from Alexander. The soft, whispered, explicits in French for Gilbert, _his_ Gilbert (well – not his).

 

It wasn’t until Alexander had gotten married that John really took notice. As much as a drunk man could at least —

 

The night where it was just the four of them, Herc included, and they celebrated Alexander’s newly found ball and chain. But John knew better. After Hamilton had talked with Burr, he returned to the three of them. John’s drunken haze lifted slightly with that momentary break. Not that Herc or Laf stopped drinking; in fact Lafayette seemed to purposely drink _more_. Pushing hurt feelings aside, John laid a hand on Gilbert’s back.

 

“You alright? With the way you’re drinking I’m not sure whether to be impressed or concerned.”

 

“Ah – oui. Do not worry, I am simply celebrating our friends marriage to the extent.”

 

Silence.

 

_How comforting or supportive did John need to be?_

 

John smiled. Nodded his head. And drank from his pint.

 

It was later in the night, when everyone was just about hammered with liquor, that Alexander had announced that he was returning home. Hercules made a loud noise that resembled a grunt and nodded his head in agreement. It was rather late — surely they all had their fun for the night. With Alexander leaving in tow with Hercules, that left John and Gilbert to themselves.

 

Gilbert looked at John with those eyes and John fell weak.

 

They were both drunk.

 

Both hurt.

 

Both _heartbroken._

 

Nowhere near in their right minds to make proper decisions. Yet the two had ended up in the dark, grimy, alley by the tavern anyway; hands desperately clinging to one another and lips roughly moving against each other.

 

John felt a bite on his neck and he gasped; eyes staring up at the night sky and wondering just _what was happening_ – years ago he would have given _anything_ to experience this. But now it felt _tainted._ His hands worked the buttons on Gilbert’s breeches and like a mirror Gilbert had done the same. There was no love, no romance, no whispered declarations of love; just desperate need, heavy panting, and a saddening rush of emotion. They both wanted things they couldn’t have. It certainly didn’t help that they were men, nor the fact that one of them was now in love with a _married_ man.

 

Rough hands that had been so gentle at one point had turned him around, pressed him into the brick of the wall before hastily pulling John’s breeches down just enough. John bent slightly, reveling in the sick pleasure he received from Gilbert grasping onto his hips tightly. No words were shared, just their eyes. The freckled man looked back and stared at Lafayette with half-lidded, longing in his eyes.

 

Gilbert stared back with a _void_ in his.

 

If John had been anyone else he would have missed the uttered, strained, ‘ _Alexander’_ that slipped from Gilbert’s lips when the Frenchman reached his climax. But he wasn’t anyone else. He was _John_ . Not _Alexander –_ **_John_ ** **.** In the heat of it all, even after they finished, John stood there; forehead pressed against the brick so hard he was sure he was bleeding from the rough texture. He felt Gilbert pull away and John almost hissed; his gaze remained on the ground as he tried to formulate words – anything to keep Lafayette there with _him_.

 

Silence.

 

He heard Gilbert get himself situated with his clothes and when John had finally decided to get _himself_ situated, he looked back and Gilbert had an unreadable expression.

 

This was a mistake.

 

The silence between the two continued as he re-buttoned his breeches and adjusted his shirt. He faced Lafayette once he had finished and grabbed his arm; eyebrows lifting and stare showing something _hopeful_ in his eyes. But Lafayette only returned the gaze with a sympathetic and almost pitiful expression.

 

_This was a mistake._

 

They never spoke of that night again. John never daring enough to say anything and Lafayette too focused on _other_ things to really think too hard on it. But John sure had time to think, in the two weeks it took for Alexander and Lafayette to once again be at each other’s sides with flirtatious smiles and comments, John spent his time wondering how exactly he fell down this rabbit hole and what he was going to do to fix it. In the eyes of anyone, Gilbert was the most perfect man around. For John, part of him still was, however after that night there was something corrupted; contaminated by misplaced lust and drunken kisses.

 

“Gentlemen, let’s have another round tonight.”

 

Smiles were shared throughout the four. 

 

“Let’s have another round!”

 

The cycle began again; John overlooking their hidden relationship and judging silently to himself. It wasn’t just that Gilbert had loved Alexander – but the fact that Alex was _married._ To a sweet girl. They had attended the wedding, god, Gilbert walked one of the sister’s down the aisle! It made John _jealous, confused, h u r t._

Instead of **him** , he decides _to continue to pursue this married man?_

 

John patted Hamilton’s shoulder with a smile, nodding his head in agreement and grabbing the pint offered to him. They would always have him as a friend, there was no one he was closer to, so if he needed to push his own emotions aside to be there for them he was ready to make those sacrifices.  

 

“Raise a glass to freedom.”

 

John Laurens wasn’t naive.

 

John Laurens wasn’t ignorant.

 

But he _was_ his own man.

 

**Author's Note:**

> lemme know what you think!


End file.
